It's after a long time that I thought to write something over here. I know my poor writing style. I am aware about my little knowledge of English and the limited vocabularies which are not good enough to express all the things that I feel, the confusions that I have, the fears that feel always. Well, One thing I know and that is in order to keep my mind working, I must relieve myself of all of these tensions. Sometime thoughts are not in logical sequence,I want to express it logically, organizing thoughts in a sequence but most often fail to do. Maybe because I haven't still learned the technique of doing it or probably because my knowledge is not good enough to put everything together. Well, I don't really want make myself feel that I am useless or valueless, But sometime I feel the pain of my inadequate knowledge in English Language.
Well, let me get into the core of the matter, I was just wondering what should I do with my life? How can I improve the quality of life? I have been trying and still trying to find ways to make my life a bit better. I feel the pain of being stuck with this stagnant type of life without progress. Well, sometime if feels as if I don't even know where I am heading to... If feel as if I don't understand what I am doing.... I don't know why my is like this.... sometime I feel as if I have so much willingness to do something drastic to make a great change...completely changing the course of my life...... changing the way I think, things that I do..... but each time I try to do something different.... I encounter problems..... problems that seems to me overwhelming.... I can't share these burdens with anyone.... it seems to me as if I am alone on this journey.... as if I will have to bear the whole thing... have to absorb the pain within......
The torture of not able to do what I want to....The shortage of funds..... the lack of supporting hands.... all these things eating me completely.... it seems I am so good outside....but I am wearing out inside.... When I play the badminton.... I try with my heart..... But I miss the birdie and lose the game.... when I work... I try to work putting my whole heart and soul into it... still I feel ......nothing gets me to the success that I dream..... When think about the prospect of my studies... the money that I need for it.... my heart sank in pain...... and remorse.... as if I want to do it so badly but I am not able to due to lack of funds.... need of the family... the more I try... the greater I face the problem from all around.... All my positive feeling diminishes as I see the problems all around...
It seems that my life is a complete struggle... I keep on trying and trying .... without any final and ultimate achievement.... it appears to me as if I will have to live hands to mouth kind of life.... but I wonder sometime.... Am I really born only for this suffering? Only for being satisfied with the sufferings of lack of things? I don't know the answer of it... Therefore which I cannot answer myself... I look for this answer from someone supreme that I am . Well that is what I learned, tried to put inside my mind that there is someone greater than all human being.... someone supernatural.... someone more powerful... someone who watches all human sufferings, their ups and downs.... their confusion... someone who controls all the things that I can see...and that someone as I learned and got a tit bits of experience is God. I can't say anything against Him for I fear the punishment might come to me for doing such things.... Therefore all around that I look.... I can see the darkness... darkness and difficulties that I got to overcome everyday to survive.... pathetic though... I keep on fighting like this everyday....
I know I can keep on writing like this......expressing all my pains and worries and the conflicts and confusions of my mind... but my eyes are heavy now... this is a burden of life too... and therefore I got to give some rest to this mortal body else it will give me no service tomorrow... at least I will have to drag and keep dragging to survive... as long as I can't take any measures to correct and change the course of my life.... and I don't know if that will ever happen.... so my blog... my friend... this technology of putting things here for someone unknown for maybe something fake....just take it... and absorb my burden for the time being... goodnight for now....
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