Sufferings and Confusion

It's after a long time that I thought to write something over here. I know my poor writing style. I am aware about my little knowledge of English and the limited vocabularies which are not good enough to express all the things that I feel, the confusions that I have, the fears that feel always. Well, One thing I know and that is in order to keep my mind working, I must relieve myself of all of these tensions. Sometime thoughts are not in logical sequence,I want to express it logically, organizing thoughts in a sequence but most often fail to do. Maybe because I haven't still learned the technique of doing it or probably because my knowledge is not good enough to put everything together. Well, I don't really want make myself feel that I am useless or valueless, But sometime I feel the pain of my inadequate knowledge in English Language.

Well, let me get into the core of the matter, I was just wondering what should I do with my life? How can I improve the quality of life? I have been trying and still trying to find ways to make my life a bit better. I feel the pain of being stuck with this stagnant type of life without progress. Well, sometime if feels as if I don't even know where I am heading to... If feel as if I don't understand what I am doing.... I don't know why my is like this.... sometime I feel as if I have so much willingness to do something drastic to make a great change...completely changing the course of my life...... changing the way I think, things that I do..... but each time I try to do something different.... I encounter problems..... problems that seems to me overwhelming.... I can't share these burdens with anyone.... it seems to me as if I am alone on this journey.... as if I will have to bear the whole thing... have to absorb the pain within......

The torture of not able to do what I want to....The shortage of funds..... the lack of supporting hands.... all these things eating me completely.... it seems I am so good outside....but I am wearing out inside.... When I play the badminton.... I try with my heart..... But I miss the birdie and lose the game.... when I work... I try to work putting my whole heart and soul into it... still I feel ......nothing gets me to the success that I dream..... When think about the prospect of my studies... the money that I need for it.... my heart sank in pain...... and remorse.... as if I want to do it so badly but I am not able to due to lack of funds.... need of the family... the more I try... the greater I face the problem from all around.... All my positive feeling diminishes as I see the problems all around...

It seems that my life is a complete struggle... I keep on trying and trying .... without any final and ultimate achievement.... it appears to me as if I will have to live hands to mouth kind of life.... but I wonder sometime.... Am I really born only for this suffering? Only for being satisfied with the sufferings of lack of things? I don't know the answer of it... Therefore which I cannot answer myself... I look for this answer from someone supreme that I am . Well that is what I learned, tried to put inside my mind that there is someone greater than all human being.... someone supernatural.... someone more powerful... someone who watches all human sufferings, their ups and downs.... their confusion... someone who controls all the things that I can see...and that someone as I learned and got a tit bits of experience is God. I can't say anything against Him for I fear the punishment might come to me for doing such things.... Therefore all around that I look.... I can see the darkness... darkness and difficulties that I got to overcome everyday to survive.... pathetic though... I keep on fighting like this everyday....

I know I can keep on writing like this......expressing all my pains and worries and the conflicts and confusions of my mind... but my eyes are heavy now... this is a burden of life too... and therefore I got to give some rest to this mortal body else it will give me no service tomorrow... at least I will have to drag and keep dragging to survive... as long as I can't take any measures to correct and change the course of my life.... and I don't know if that will ever happen.... so my blog... my friend... this technology of putting things here for someone unknown for maybe something fake....just take it... and absorb my burden for the time being... goodnight for now....

The Struggle of My Mind

It is twelve past twenty six now of the night, to simplify it, it is just 12:30 am Thursday morning, and I am still awake, just trying to pacify my heart for the coming things just after this day. I can't make myself understand that I am getting married. Well it is not a thing that I never dreamed of doing or never thought of. I did think about it , but never knew that it will take place so soon and that I will have to get someone hitched up with me for the rest of my life. I couldnot find anyone to share what I am feeling within me, maybe because I am finding it hard put my trust on somebody or probably the confidential persons are not around. For me both are correct, because I could find none around whom I could confide my secrets, and also I could find none to put my trust on. Well I must just acknowledge that I just share the tit bits of my life with Jesus. But with the busy life that I am into , I am almost forgetting to do that everything. Well, I guess I am not forgetting it but feeling a bit reluctant to do it. I feel this reluctancy of my attitude is causing a lot of confusion and fears.

Well, let me get back to what I was just saying. I am getting married on Friday that is 12th of March, 2010. To most boys and girls who ever feel in the so called love , felt some or the other time of their relationship tenure that they should get married and have the permanency of their relationships. I donot know what excites them most into it. I donot even know how they can be so desirious for this day, that they called so special. As of my case, I am not excited even a bit, I donot know why. I donot know why people say that if you love a person , you would always love to be around. I donot even understand the whole complications of this love phenomenon.

Now that I am coming to very close to the day of getting that permanency of our relationship. I feel somewhat awkward. I feel like I am going to make a big mistake by getting married. I feel like I am on the way to slaughter my dreams, my personal freedom and everything which I called myself. I feel drstically bad that I have made the decisions to get married. I donot know why I feel this way. I wonder is it because I feel that my partner doesnot understand me or is it because we donot have a appreciative attitude for one another? Whatever it might be which I am not very clear now, I donot feel any willingness to get married. Well I hope that this feeling will change by tomorrow and that I feel delighted to do what I am doing.


I donot know what else to write not. I just wanted to speak my mind out to see if I feel any better. Hoping for a change and transformation tonight... or else I donot know what is going to happen.


Fully into a great... perplexity

The Mistake of Wrong Anticipation

Over and over again , I made the same mistake of anticipating of what others thinks of me or feels about me. Most often I think somethings which is not the other person really thinks or feels. This kind of attitude is really something not good on my part. Before anticipating what others feels about me or thinks, I must be able to observe them. But how on earth am I going to know their minds! I am not a mind reader surely. But I guess I must stop anticipating or say predicting others attitude or thinking. I should always think that until and unless someone expresses what they really feel, I must not come out with any kind of comments whatsoever.

Human beings can feel differently and can have different attitudes depending on what they want. Therefore it is not easy to predict someone's attitudes and feelings. It should be remembered that our intentions varies time to time. So let's not judge others by what we feel but let's get to know what they feel and why they act in a certain way. Hope that will be helpful someway.

Saving a Space

Saving a space for myself...

What would i am numbed and my mind speaks not.....
would anyone hear the cry inside?

What if I am gone ....
would anyone know I deeply desired?

What would I speak thousand words and nobody listens...
whould it have any effect?

so saving a space for me...
to do what I feel to do,
and find my joy in my own little way.

So I say what I want
I do what makes me happy
And I write what makes me to write
No worries, just penning down my thoughts.

Spculations in Life

Unknown Speculations

Many a times I asked myself
What I am? What I can be? What I am not?
I didn’t get a straight answer
None got it either, I guess.

Many I times I wondered
Why I think those things that I am thinking
I couldn’t find an answer to that
Probably there isn’t an answer for that.


Many I times I tried to evaluate my actions
The reason of my living
The reason of acting one or the other way
The answers weren’t available at all.

I tried to ask myself
Those questions that we ask ourselves
Most often, now and then
The questions simply complicated my life

I know not what Life is
And why should we struggle always
I know not where it ends
Where it begins
I only know this very minute
That I am living

Next moment maybe gone
Next will just be in anticipation
Life is a mystery
The destinations is not known
To anyone
All that we do just speculate
Of Things Unknown.

By Litton
26/03/09

My Ship of Life is safe when Jesus is the Captain



The Saviour is Willing to Save you, Are you will to be saved?